The Art of Fearing Contentment

First and foremost, no. I Ava Hayes do not live in fear of being happy. I imagine it is apart of human nature to live in fear of the complete opposite. However, that is not to say I consider 'contentment' to lie in the same magical box as 'happiness'.

To be content: in a state of satisfaction. Although The Rolling Stones cried they could 'get no satisfaction'. Ava Hayes does not want it. Regardless of how catchy the song might be.

Much like my first post, of course, the title brought yet more turmoil. Number 1. Far too rude for this post. Number 2. "Why My Sketchbook Is Utter Trash"...Feelings of disillusionment had fully set in.

4 weeks, 28 days, 672 hours of no 'proper' work done. 2 a.m , staring hatefully at the latest drawing in my SKETCHBOOK. 4 weeks of no SKETCHBOOK work. 2:05 a.m , considering throwing SKETCHBOOK out the window. Slight reoccurring issue here. 12:51 p.m, SKETCHBOOK in tow, mocha in hand, I've decided to write about it. How's that for a cliché kid.

I am aware of the importance of a sketchbook. BUT, I am also very aware of my compulsive need to create. As to why I completely adore art as a whole, I have no idea. To simply say "I love it" seems almost like a cop-out to me. However, I know exactly how it makes me feel. Undoubtedly, it is my hot coffee in the morning, my Summer evenings sitting on the beach, it is my happy sigh after hysterically laughing.

The warmth, the excitement, the sheer fire is always the same. There is no doubt in my mind it keeps me sane. So, IMAGINE my panic when a complete block occurred. Yes, yes I know it happens to everyone. But I struggle to care about this 'everyone' when my brain is melting. To be making 'art' that you are SO unhappy with is unquestionably as torturous as not creating any art at all.

This being exactly about the point my fear of contentment set in. Yes, I was creating. Yes, I had something to show. Did I hate it? 100%. I realized in that moment that I never want to create for the simple sake of creating. I never want to reach a point in my life where I am not striving to be better, to work harder, to go everywhere and to live MORE.

So, yes I am well aware of the importance of a sketchbook. I'm sure yours is lovely. At the moment, mine is a square, golden cage. Golden, aesthetically. Mentally, a cage nonetheless. A cage that I refuse to helplessly sit in. For now, it will not exit through the nearest window. However, I will not be waiting for the warmth to find me. Nor the excitement. Nor the fire.

I will not sit happily. I will not sit satisfied. I will not sit in contentment.

As always, "I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart"-V.G

-A.H